Practicing Presence: Where Have I Been?

When I started this blog, my intention was to write nearly every day. I followed through for about three and a half months. Then, two things happened to derail my goal.

First: summer vacation. This happens to me every year: my kids get out of school for the summer, and I struggle to find a new rhythm to the daily routine. I still work from home, but the hours of constructive work time diminish (summer childcare is expensive - and I can only afford so many hours).

I won't complain, however. Kids need their time "off" from their obligations, just like adults do, so I'm thankful that summer's here. And it's good for me, too. I'm making an effort to reconnect with my kids in a way that's different from the rest of the year, to make those summertime family memories that we all envision holding onto in later life.

Second: I was spending too much time on the computer. Oh, the irony of it all. As I researched and wrote pieces for the blog about our tendency toward the excessive use of devices, I began to feel exposed, as if there was a great big, blinking arrow in the sky pointing right at me, saying "guilty!"

I am, to be honest, tired of my computer and my phone. I want more freedom. I need boundaries. I want to be a better role model for my kids so that when they get phones, they won't ditch me completely for their online world. So I made a few changes:

* I moved my laptop to the guest room, which now doubles as my office. Unlike the office-slash-dining room table, the guest room has a door. I can literally close myself off from my work and my computer when it's time to go. My phone stays in here, too, as much as possible. Sherry Turkle encourages the concept of "sacred spaces" in the home where devices are not allowed (i.e. dinner table). In the same way, I've created a space for my devices to stay and not invade the rest of the house. The physical boundaries are now set.

* I took a trip a few weekends ago and left my phone sitting in the hotel room for three days. I got a massage to get the knots out of my neck and shoulder directly related to my computer usage, something I've not done in several years. I read books and played with my kids. It was a wonderful trip, good for fostering psychological boundaries between me and my devices.

* I've stopped answering texts right away, and my personal email is piling up. I apologize to all those wondering where I've gone. It's a better place, I assure you.

* I've stopped writing blog pieces for a few weeks. I need a pause. The article ideas for the blog have piled up, however, and I look forward to sharing more thoughts... in time.

An admired church and community leader, Kim Lee, is currently inspiring the parents in her congregation to examine being "present" in our daily lives. She writes, "The practice of presence is about coming alive and awake wherever we are. Presence requires three basic steps: slow down, tune in, and focus." In my brief hiatus from the blog, I've been trying to do just that.

How To Really Love a Child

Here is another list of advice that I've had so long that I don't remember where I got it. And, like last week's similar post, there is no author included with my copy, so I can't give credit to anyone for this.

To me, this poetic list encourages us parents to slow down, to enjoy the moment, to connect and make eye contact, and to have kindness in our hearts for our children. I've taken the liberty to highlight a few of my favorite lines. I hope you enjoy it.



How to Really Love a Child

Be there.

Say yes as often as possible.

Let them bang on pots and pans.

If they are crabby, put them in water.

If they’re unlovable, love yourself.

Realize how important it is to be a child.

Go to a movie theater in your pajamas.

Read books out loud with joy.

Remember how really small they are.

Giggle a lot.

Surprise them.

Say no when necessary.

Teach feelings.

Heal your own inner child.

Learn about parenting.

Hug trees together.

Make loving safe.

Bake a cake and eat it with no hands.

Go find elephants and kiss them.

Plan to build a rocket ship.

Imagine yourself magic.

Make lots of forts with blankets.

Let your angel fly.

Reveal your own dreams.

Search out the positive.

Keep the gleam in your eye.

Mail a letter to God.

Encourage silly.

Plant licorice in your garden.

Open up.

Stop yelling.

Express your love, a lot.

Speak kindly.

Paint their tennis shoes.

Handle with caring.

Children are miraculous!

Preventing Smart Phone Injuries

I remember a long time ago, a new term popped up called "Nintendo Thumb." It referenced a condition that befell kids who played too many video games and hurt their thumbs with constant joy stick use. Gaming systems in the home were new, and an injury sustained by gaming on the living room couch seemed preposterous. The grown-ups in my life shook their heads and laughed at the news, as if to say, Dumb kids.

But with the advancement of home computing and personal devices that go with us everywhere, conditions similar to Nintendo Thumb are now pervasive for all ages, and the concept of injuries caused by gadgets is no longer a novelty.

Take smart phones. The American Occupational Therapy Association, Inc. (AOTA) has dedicated a PDF tip sheet for preventing injuries related to smart phone use. Some possible conditions and prevention tips from the AOTA include:

• Smart phone thumb. This is pain or soreness in your wrist or at the base of your thumb from the "awkward positioning of your hands and thumbs while typing." Prevention includes typing shorter messages, limiting time spent typing on your phone, and giving your digits a rest.
• Cell phone elbow. This is "tingling and numbness into your little finger and possible weakness of your hand." It's caused by persistent bending of your elbow while holding the phone to your ear. Prevention includes changing hands while using the phone, using a speaker phone or a hands-free device. (Side note: I bought the RocketFish Mobile Hands-Free Headset for other reasons, and it works well.)
• Cell phone neck. Pain and spasms in your neck and shoulder muscles can be caused by tilting your head and raising your shoulder to stabilize your phone. Like cell phone elbow, using a speaker phone or a hands-free device will prevent this as well.
• PDA nails. Believe it or not, your nails can become "misshapen and ridged" from prolonged keyboard typing. Using the pad of your finger, not the tip, can help prevent this.
• Cellular blindness. Looking at a small screen for long periods of time can cause severely dry eyes. It helps to look away from your screen every 20 minutes and to use proper corrective lenses. (I can no longer use contact lenses because of dry eyes, and now I wonder if I'm forever in glasses because of my crazy long hours - and years - in front of a computer screen.)
• Smart phone fog. "Symptoms include putting yourself and others in danger by using your smart phone while driving or walking." Don't text while walking or driving, and use a hands-free device when talking on your phone.

When I first got my smart phone last year, I carried it around in my left hand - a lot. The base of my thumb started aching mysteriously. It finally hit me that it was caused by holding my thumb in the same position, arched back away from my other fingers, to hold my phone. My smart phone did so many more things than my old phone, and as a result, I was holding it and using it all the time. I think I officially had the beginning of smart phone thumb. Dumb kid!

I find it so interesting that personal gadgets promise more convenience and efficiency in our daily lives, and yet without proper balance, they can cultivate a whole set of other physical and psychological afflictions never experienced before.

The Lone Ranger Mom

I went to a party a few weeks ago for a retiring elementary school teacher where I met several other teachers and the president of our school's PTO (Parent-Teacher Organization).

I was especially happy to meet the PTO President. Almost immediately, I asked her if she'd be interested in supporting a Screen-Free Week campaign at our school next year. Fortunately, she loved the idea, and it looks like I've taken the first step in seeing that local event realized in the spring of 2013!

I also had an interesting conversation with another parent and a school counselor. The mother bemoaned that her seventh grade son keeps badgering her for a TV in his room. He argues that all of his friends have TVs in their rooms, so why can't he? So far, she has not allowed it. But the squabbles continue.

The school counselor sympathized, citing the strong affinity that kids have for their own devices. She acknowledged that one of the toughest argument for a parent to stand up to is the old "But Johnny's parents let him do it" or "Jimmy's parents don't have any rules about it."

I guess I'm lucky. I haven't had any similar arguments with my kids. I have young elementary school kids who don't ask for devices. I haven't yet introduced them to many video games or an iPad. They each have an mp3 player, but I only put a few songs on them, and the girls don't know that you can download any song imaginable. Personal devices aren't allowed in school, so they've also had limited exposure to them outside of the home. (Even though they aren't allowed, my daughter's second grade teacher had to reprimand class parents twice this year for letting students bring phones to school.)

But I'm not naive. Eventually my kids will want a phone or other device to feel connected with their friends, and I can understand that. So soon it'll be time to consider our household rules regarding devices. Will I let my kids bring their cell phones to the dinner table? Take their cell phones to bed with them? Let them have a TV in their bedroom? I hope the answer to these questions is no.

There's a good chance that my kids will grumble because their friends don't have similar household rules. Several studies indicate that a lot of kids have a TV in their bedroom: 42% of kids ages 0-8 (Common Sense Media), 67% of kids ages 2-13 (Clinical Pediatrics), and as many as 70% of third-graders have a TV in their room (New York Times). To add to this, only 30% of kids have media rules in the home. In the face of these stats, and stats on other key family media issues, parents who say "no" may feel like the Lone Ranger.

For me, that's OK; I've never aspired to be the popular girl anyway. I may be on the road less traveled, but I do know this: Although I make a lot of mistakes as a parent, keeping my young girls relatively free from excessive amounts of TV, movies, and games is something that I'm convinced is the right thing to do.

In time, my kids will be introduced to more media and their own personal devices. But first I want them to learn that it's OK to be bored, and that they're creative enough to find something to play. I want them to be active. I also want them to be mature enough to understand the pros and cons of it all, to never assume that we have to embrace each value put forth by the mainstream media, tech developers, or other parents.

And hopefully, with open communication and clear expectations, the transition will be an easy one for all of us.

Or I may be in for a big surprise.